Delusions of Mediocrity
by xMad.Hatterx007
Summary: Fate does not tell her friends a lot about herself, but in the throes of illness, she says far more than she ever intended.


Delusions of Mediocrity

It began, ostensibly, with a study group.

The girls, Nanoha, Fate, Arisa and Suzuka, had gathered in Hayate's home. Suzuka's house would have been more luxurious, but Hayate's Knights preferred to keep their Mistress close when possible, and her home was elegantly designed with her welfare in mind. While she had recovered a great deal after Reinforce was sealed away, she remained in her wheelchair because her muscles had atrophied. It would be some time yet before she could walk on her own. Suzuka didn't mind studying in Hayate's house, nor did Arisa. Nanoha could be comfortable pretty much anywhere, so she didn't mind the trek to Hayate's home at all. Fate, unsurprisingly, followed Nanoha's lead.

Very little studying was actually happening. Signum, facing away from the table of girls, Zafira at her feet, meditated on the couch, eyes closed. Her lips quirked upward whenever Hayate or one of her friends said something amusing. Shamal stood in front of one of the counters, preparing a tea tray and struggling a little to line up the cookies just right. Vita sat by her Mistress at the table, instigating the lack of studying.

It was a warm and sunny day, which did not help either. It had been raining so much for the last week that it was almost too much of a temptation for the girls. They chatted cheerily, for the most part, their cheeks flushed with the warmth of the day and with their own excitement at finally having such pleasant weather. They spent more time wondering if they should study outside than actually studying; the only thing keeping them inside was the possibility of bugs of some kind; Arisa had a phobia. Fate seemed to be the only one studying, but even her normally steadfast concentration wavered more often than not.

Fate did not partake in their conversation, merely nodded along absently with Nanoha. Her cheeks were flushed, but her skin was otherwise pale. She shuddered every so often, but the other girls, enraptured by Vita's antics and Arisa's fear of anything with more than four legs, had not noticed. She swallowed thickly, and swallowed again. She cleared her throat softly, not wanting to disrupt the conversation. She swallowed. She closed her eyes—her head was pounding—and opened them, trying to focus on the words. She cleared her throat again. Her breaths were soft and shallow, coming more quickly than normal, but the girls were just that, girls, still only in grade school. They did not notice anything wrong.

Looking at the textbook, Fate's vision began to blur. She blinked rapidly and focused on the text. She looked up at Shamal. The tea was almost ready. That was good. She was so thirsty, and thought the tea might feel good on her throat. There was a pitcher of water on the table, but she didn't want to ask anyone to pass it to her since they were busy talking, and she didn't want to rudely reach across anyone and get it herself. Linith had taught her many things, including proper table etiquette. Mother had gone so far as to test her once. Her punishment for each slipup had been harsh. Fate shivered again, but whether it was because of her memories or because it was so cold in the house, even she did not know.

A shiver ran down her spine, and she clenched her teeth to keep them from chattering. How could it be so cold when the sun was out? Wasn't it supposed to be warmer?

"Fate-chan?" She looked up; Nanoha was watching her. "Are you okay?"

Fate smiled and nodded, not trusting herself to speak until the chill had passed; she didn't want to worry Nanoha. Hayate, Arisa and Suzuka noticed her look as well.

"Shamal?" Hayate called softly. "Could you come here please?"

Fate noticed that Shamal did not hesitate to approach the table—she would answer her Mistress's call, something Fate understood very well—but Fate rather thought she looked puzzled. Shamal looked to Hayate, but when nothing more was said, the woman turned her gaze to Fate, just like the other girls. Fate tensed as another shiver ran down her spine. She clenched her fists and tried not to shudder too noticeably. It might be cold, but it was still a lovely day, and she would hate to be the one to ruin it for her friends.

Shamal casually came around the table and reached out a hand as if to touch her, but did not. She stepped back and stared at Fate for a moment. "Would you like a glass of water, Testarossa-chan?" Shamal asked.

Everyone was silent, and that odd silence drew Signum from her meditation. She twisted where she sat, looking around to see what was happening.

Fate swallowed, the itch in her throat bothersome. "Yes, please," she said softly, but there was something off to her. Nanoha stiffened in her seat and turned to her. Fate winced. There must have been something in her voice. Shame filled her; Nanoha was worried and it was all her fault. Fate really was a terrible friend. Why couldn't she at least keep it together for Nanoha's sake?

Shamal calmly poured a glass of water and set it on the table in front of the little blonde. Worried that there was some kind of catch, Fate slowly reached for the glass. It was cool to the touch, and even though she was freezing, she knew it would feel wonderful on her throat. She tentatively raised the glass, watching Shamal for some kind of trick. Her hand shook, and halfway to her mouth, the glass slipped from her grip—and into Shamal's waiting hand.

She was surprisingly fast, but Fate supposed that one had to be quick to provide support.

Shamal gently raised the glass to Fate's lips, but pride prevented her from accepting help. "I'm not thirsty," she mumbled, turning away so that Shamal could not tip the glass and let the water flow into her mouth while she spoke. She pressed her hand to Fate's forehead, and that was incredibly odd. There was a distant memory connected to that action, something Mother had done to her once when she still smiled. No, not for her; for Alicia. Mother looked so worried in that memory, but it was all so hazy.

"Fate-chan," Nanoha chided, "you can't—"

"Signum, would you please grab her? I will run some bath water. Her fever is dangerously high; we need to cool her down as quickly as possible. Vita, contact Admiral Lindy."

Fate was the only one to protest. "You don't need to bother Admiral Lindy, I'm perfectly fine, really, let go Signum!"

Signum frowned down at her and lifted her up, not letting go or loosening her grip. Fate squirmed and tried to break Signum's grip—this made Signum's frown deepen—but the Belkan Knight held fast. Fate realized that Signum must have been holding back in their sparring matches, since Fate was always able to break out of Signum's holds whenever she was caught. Now her grip was like iron, and as much as Fate struggled, she could not get loose.

The next thing she knew she was being dunked into lukewarm water. Her teeth chattered and she struggled harder, splashing and kicking and writhing for all she was worth. Her head was cradled in Signum's arm and held above the water so she would not drown, but she gasped, unable to breathe. Worse, it was so cold, so cold. She had to get out of there and get warm or she would surely freeze to death.

Black spots danced in the corners of her eyes. She gasped for breath, but could only feel tightness and burning in her chest. The black began to spread. She couldn't breathe. She was going to die, Fate realized. She was going to die. She couldn't breathe and she was going to freeze to death anyway. Maybe, just maybe, Mother would be waiting for her in the Afterlife with Alicia. Maybe Mother would smile at her. That was a beautiful thought.

She stopped fighting and everything faded away.

-DoM-

Fate was confused. She knew she would probably open her eyes, but she just didn't have the energy. Her head hurt. Her throat hurt. Pressure was building in her chest and throat, so she knew she was going to cough, but that would make her head pound more and scratch her throat worse. She swallowed it, tolerating the ache in her chest. She didn't want to disturb the dead, how rude. She swallowed again. Funny, she didn't think death hurt this much. At least she was warm.

"Can't you heal her?"

"No I cannot. It's a natural ailment, not a battle wound."

"Fate-chan?" A small hand was on her shoulder. Maybe it was Alicia.

"Is she going to be okay?"

"I can't reach her mother."

So Mother wasn't there. Even in death, she was a disappointment. It was probably the way she died. It was rather pathetic when she thought about it, not at all a death worthy of the great name of Testarossa. Mother had died trying to revive Alicia. Fate had suffocated, frozen to death, in a bathtub. How humiliating. No wonder Mother wanted nothing to do with her.

She tried to open her eyes but they were so heavy, so heavy, and it was so easy just to lay there, wrapped in a warm blanket. "M'sorry," she murmured into a shoulder. "I'll do bedder, promise."

There was an odd silence then a rushing in her ears. "Sleep. You can stay here until we find your mother."

Do the dead sleep? Fate didn't know. But she was an obedient girl, so she would do as she was told. But first there was something she had to say to help. "'Licia," she mumbled. "Mother loves her, she'll be wif 'Licia." And she slipped into nothingness again.

-DoM-

With Admiral Lindy, Chrono and Amy nowhere to be found, Hayate decided that she and her Knights would look after her friend. Nanoha, Arisa and Suzuka refused to leave and had all made phone calls home saying that they were having a sleepover at Hayate's, even though it was a school night. Nanoha's parents understood (Nanoha tended to defy logic when it came to Fate, something they knew of and knew better than to argue with) and Arisa's and Suzuka's parents were laissez faire in their parenting anyway. Hayate didn't mind. She was even glad they would be there. It was a relief.

Fate terrified her. Fate was incredibly kind, patient, gentle, but in the throes of illness, she was frightening. It was not as though lightning bolts were flying around every time she sneezed (something for which she was eternally grateful), or that she cast spells while she slept. No, it was worse. Hayate would have preferred the lightning bolts, now that she considered the matter. Those, at least, she could fight.

The little blonde was delirious. She would sleep for short intervals, wake up, babble for a little while, then fall back into a restless slumber. This was not bothersome so much as what she would say during her bouts of delirium. Sometimes Fate would ask about her mother and Alicia (Nanoha always scowled when she did, something that puzzled everyone else). Other times she would mutter that she would do better, she promised, please smile again, it's all she wanted, really, she would be perfect, do anything, be anything, be anyone, just for a smile. Then there were the times she would dazedly try to get out of bed.

"We're wasting time, I have to get that book for Mother," she said once, throat raw and voice scratchy. Her eyes were glazed as she stared unseeingly at Vita, trying to make her understand while the little redhead pushed her back down on the bed. "And there are some other materials she needs too; we'll have to go to the Black Market for those." There were a lot of curious looks over that comment.

"I can't stop and eat now, not now, I have to find the Lost Logia, Mother needs them, and I have to get them for her," she said another time. Shamal had barely managed to catch her by her waist before she tumbled off the bed.

"I'm fine, really, I'm not hurt, I need to go. Mother did it for my own good, she really did, she's trying to make me better. It's my fault, I should have done better. I deserved my punishment, really I did," she told Signum as she tried to wriggle out of the warrior's grasp. "I need to go, I have work to do, I need to make her smile again. The whipping was encouragement to do better, that's all." That caused a few tears.

Occasionally, there was an odd flickering on her skin, a yellow glow that would come and go. Sometimes, when it faded away, Hayate could see scars on her arms and legs. She was willing to bet they were on her chest and back, especially since she could see a scar on her neck and another on her cheek, curving up and splicing her left eyebrow, but she could not see them through the long shirt Shamal pulled over her head after removing her from the bath. When the glow returned, the scars were gone.

Suzuka put a fresh washcloth on Fate's forehead. Arisa stared at her arm, right where there had been a particularly vicious looking scar not long ago. Tears streamed down her cheeks. Nanoha stared out the window, scowling at the setting sun. Shamal flipped through medical textbooks (Hayate had dozens) to try and find out why she was so sick and what they could do to help her. Vita and Zafira were trying to find a way to contact the Admiral. Fate mumbled about deserving her punishment for her failure. Signum started to sharpen one of the katanas she liked to keep around the house. Hayate had a feeling that if Fate's mother was found, Signum had a few things to say to her, and she didn't plan on using words.

"She must have been fighting it before," Shamal murmured to herself, scanning another medical book. "Suppressing it. For some reason, when we put her in the bath, she stopped. I think that's why it got worse. Hmm, I wonder…"

"Do people get this sick on Mid-Belka?" Arisa asked.

"Mid-Childa," Nanoha corrected absently. "And I don't know, I've never been there. Fate-chan hasn't either, I don't think. She was raised in the Garden of Time."

Shamal stopped and frowned. "And where is that? The Garden of Time, where is it? I've never heard of it."

Nanoha looked away from the window. "It was in a dimensional pocket surrounded by imaginary space. Fate-chan told me she grew up there."

Shamal heaved a sigh. "That explains some of it. If she was raised in isolation, her exposure to the different bacterium would have been limited so she would not have built up a natural tolerance. It explains why this cold is hitting her so hard." She paused. "Well, it is full-blown pneumonia now. But hasn't she been talking about going to other places for missions?" She asked tentatively. "That would expose her to things…but I suppose that those missions don't necessarily mean Earth. Hmm."

Her ruminations were cut off when a woman stumbled into the room without knocking. When had she even gotten into the house? It was Arf. Her ears were back against her head, her tail was tucked between her legs and she swayed back and forth. Her face was ashen, her jaw was slack, and her eyes were glazed.

Arisa scowled when she saw her. "You," she said coldly. "I remember you, you're that weirdo from the bathhouse."

Arf didn't seem to hear her, and instead stumbled her way to the bed. Nanoha caught Arisa's wrist to stop her from tackling the familiar just in time for Arf to collapse into the bed and shift into her puppy form. Gaping, Arisa and Suzuka stared as the puppy they both knew wriggled her way up the bed and nuzzled Fate before curling into her side to sleep.

"That should make things easier," Shamal said. "I was just about to send someone for her if she didn't get here on her own."

"She's the puppy. That woman is the puppy. I don't…this doesn't…" Arisa shook her head.

"Arisa-chan, remember, Fate-chan and I told you that we were not always friends," Nanoha soothed. "When we first met Arf-san, and she was saying those weird things, it was after Fate-chan and I had fought over a Jewel Seed. She was only trying to help Fate-chan by intimidating me. She didn't want Fate-chan's…_mother…_ to punish her anymore for failing."

"Punish," Arisa said faintly and looked back to the smooth skin of Fate's arm where they now knew a scar to be. She shuddered. "I would have done that too." Suzuka came up and linked their arms.

"Interesting," Signum said. "What can you tell us about her punishments?"

Nanoha scowled. "Why do you want to know?" She demanded.

"I think it will help, actually," Shamal said. "There could be important details. I can guess a few things from what she has said. Can you tell me if her wounds were magically inflicted or not?"

Nanoha squirmed and looked at Fate. Her lip quivered. "Precia Testarossa-san used her Device," she answered. "It could turn into a whip." She shivered and pressed on. "Fate-chan told me she wore bandages to keep the wounds from getting infected. That never made sense to me because I never saw any marks on her, even if I did see bandages sometimes. I guess now I know why."

There was a heavy silence, broken only by Fate's rattling breath.

"Well," Shamal said, "if the whip was a Device, it would have been magical. That would have cauterized the wounds so there would not have been any blood loss," she said, trying to remain as clinical as possible. "It would have decreased her chances for infection, as well. The bandages were only a precaution then. It was less helpful than I hoped. It doesn't even explain her…ah…" Her eyes flickered to the sleeping blonde.

Signum sniffed, her version of a scoff. "Testarossa is fiercely loyal. Is it so surprising that her loyalty, once given, would forever bind her, even to an unkind mistress? Surely you would understand what it means to be bound, Shamal. Her loyalty seems more binding than even the spells that bound us to our former masters, for her loyalty is a choice. I find her dedication unsurprising.

"No, what I find more interesting is her lack of care for herself. How can she expect to complete these missions if she is half-dead?" Signum wondered aloud. Nanoha flinched at that last part but said nothing. "It is most unbecoming of a warrior," Signum went on. "It is surprising she lasted this long if she truly lacks care."

"That or it is a testament of how dedicated she is," Vita said. The redhead looked at the far wall, scowling. Vita had neither liked nor disliked Fate, had always been neutral on the matter. But she, like every member of the Wolkenritter, knew what it meant to be bound to an unkind Mistress as Signum had said.

"I'll do better Mother, Promise," Fate said. She had grabbed Nanoha's hand and was holding tight, knuckles white from her grip. "I know I'm not very good." Fate choked on her own words. "But I will try Mother. I will be stronger, and faster, and more powerful. I will," this last was a broken squeak. "I will save you, and I will save Alicia. I swear, Mother, I will. I will be better." She shivered and groaned. She coughed, the sheer force of it wracking her body.

That damnable glow appeared, and with it the scars. Nanoha choked and tried to cover it up with her hand. Fate, eyes glazed, somehow saw.

"I'm sorry I wasn't good enough Mother," Fate said, gently stroking Nanoha's cheek. "You won't have to punish me anymore. I'll do better."

It was too much. No one could stand to be in the room for very long after that, no one but Nanoha. Signum disappeared off and on throughout the night, going to some distant planet to annihilate…something. Hayate wasn't sure what Signum went off to slaughter, but it was surely something dangerous so Signum would at least get a workout. Vita went too sometimes. Usually she stayed close to Hayate.

Shamal spent a lot of time in the kitchen, brewing herbal teas for Nanoha to coax down the blonde's throat. She kept herself very busy outside of the sickroom, wary of other secrets the blonde might unwittingly (and unwillingly) reveal. Even Zafira had stationed himself outside the house. Hayate suspected it was because he wanted to get away from Fate's whispered pleas. Hayate herself traveled. Sometimes she checked on Arisa and Suzuka, who were sleeping in a guestroom, clinging to one another. Others she checked on her Knights. Now and again she tried to call the Admiral.

Rarely, she summoned the courage to sit in the room with her best friends. It was so hard to be in that room with them. Fate would plead with Nanoha to forgive her, swearing up and down that she would do better.

Nanoha had stopped crying after the first hour; after that, she shut off her emotions and just listened. Hayate couldn't blame her. In fact, when Fate (panting from her illness) started to beg for forgiveness for some terrible wrong Fate felt she had done, Hayate slowly backed out of the room, unable to handle anymore. But when Nanoha looked up at her, so broken and lonely, Hayate couldn't bring herself to leave. She moved forward to sit with them. She could be strong for a little while longer. Maybe.

"She's just too powerful, Mother, and I think that animal she keeps has healing capabilities. I try, but every time I go against her, I am weaker and weaker. Arf cannot heal me, Mother. It's my fault, I know. It's my fault that I get wounded. I deserve it for not being better. But I will be strong Mother. I will get the Jewel Seeds." She mumbled a few more things, then drifted off.

"Fate-chan and I were fighting for Jewel Seeds," Nanoha began, speaking to the far wall. "You know that. Then I beat her and helped arrest her. She switched sides and we won and now we're all friends. Pretty much everyone knows the story. Except that's not what happened.

"I found out afterward that the last time we fought, Fate-chan was hurt. Her mother had beaten her not even two days before, and Arf wasn't helping her. No one is really sure how she was able to stand let alone fight. But there she was. Standing. Fighting. She almost won. She wasn't even at half-strength, and even then she was skilled enough, powerful enough, determined enough, that she almost beat me. But I cheated. I waited until she used up a lot of her energy, then I had Raising Heart help me use her own power against her." Nanoha sniffled.

"That's what a Starlight Breaker does. It gathers all of the magic in the area and uses it for that blast. Most of what I used against Fate-chan came from Fate-chan. People talk about how strong I am, how powerful, but no one ever seems to remember that my greatest victory so far was over a girl who shouldn't have been able to stand when we started fighting."

The golden glow returned and left, taking the scars with it.

"I nearly killed her. I nearly killed my best friend, and I didn't even know it. And she still…she still…" Nanoha closed her eyes slowly and tipped her head back. She swallowed thickly. "I have to make it up to her. I _have_ to."

"Punishing yourself won't do that," Hayate said softly. "And it would only hurt her to know you are doing this to yourself."

"I guess that's why we'll never tell her, will we? I know you won't because you want to protect her just as much as I do."

It was true, Hayate could not argue with that. She had always been protective of people she cared for. Now, well, things had changed. Fate had changed, at least to Hayate, probably to her Knights as well. But she could argue with Nanoha over staying and punishing herself. Just as she opened her mouth, Shamal opened the door. She held a cup of tea.

This cup, like the others, helped a little. The rattle in Fate's breathing eased after a short while. This helped Fate fall into a more solid slumber. The various teas had soothed her enough that she could sleep and actually be able to rest. Hayate resolved to stay with her friends until the end. If Nanoha was going to carry this burden, she would not carry it alone. So she stayed, ready for more of Fate's attempts to leave, to help a woman who did not deserve her help—but Fate slept peacefully.

This was not true for Hayate and Nanoha. They stayed up, unable to speak to each other, or perhaps unwilling to talk about their shared grief for their friend. They took turns putting cool washcloths on her forehead, and dabbing her lips with cool water, and listening to the gradually easing rattle in her chest. Sometime later, they fell asleep, leaning on one another in more ways than one.

-DoM-

Sunrise came, but neither girl moved. Shamal called the school to tell them Hayate was not feeling well and would not be attending class. Likewise, she called the other families. The Takamachis were very understanding. Momoko offered to come over and help Shamal, but Shamal insisted she could handle everything herself. And she did. It was a small matter for her to care for five sleeping girls.

It was late morning when Lindy knocked frantically on the door.

"Admiral," Signum said by way of greeting.

"Have you seen Fate?" She asked without ceremony. "She never called me last night."

Signum gave her a solemn look. "She is here, resting. We called several times, but you did not answer."

Lindy's shoulders sagged in relief. "You called through the Bureau, right? I almost never answer calls through the Bureau. It's usually someone trying to get me to cover their shift. Why didn't you try my cellphone? Why didn't Fate answer my calls?"

Signum frowned then looked over at Fate's rucksack in the corner. Without answering, she walked over and flipped it open. Sure enough, there was a cellphone, set to silent, but showing that there were 11 missed calls, the last few within a few minutes of each other.

"I am afraid that I got a little tied up at work. Well, more than a little," Lindy said, clearly feeling defensive. "Usually Fate calls me in the evening and I finish up my work and leave for home. I realized a few hours ago how tired I was. I thought maybe Fate was caught up with her friends and forgot. I went home, but she wasn't there. Then the school called, and said she wasn't in class. Fate is not the sort of girl to just miss school," she rambled on, "so I told them she was sick and started calling her. I talked to the Takamachis, and I was told she was here," the Admiral said, a little breathless.

She was looking around. She had a nervous energy about her as her eyes flitted about the room. Signum thought it was to her credit; she was truly worried about the little blonde she had taken in. "She is down the hall. She had difficulty sleeping, so she may not be awake," Signum warned.

"I would like to see her. What happened?" She was wringing her hands now, lips drawn in a worried frown. "Is she alright? Fate would never skip school, so it has to be rather drastic."

Signum hummed and led her down the hall. "She has been…unwell. Shamal can explain better. I am not a healer."

She opened the door, and found all five girls awake. Fate was still in bed, her face flushed. It seemed to be from embarrassment though. Arf was up as well, and Fate looked to be trying to hide from her friends using Arf's fur. The four gathered around the bed were smiling, but only Nanoha's seemed natural; the others were uneasy.

"I really said that?" Fate asked, skeptical.

Nanoha nodded fervently. "Yep. You kept asking me for all kinds of sweets. Kept trying to get out of bed to go to Midori-ya and everything! Nyahaha!"

Fate blushed and nuzzled Arf. "I am glad that I was funny when I was sick. I would feel bad if I made you sad." She looked down, face red. She sniffled, then cleared her throat. She picked up a glass of water and took a polite sip.

"I know, Fate-chan," Nanoha answered with a sad smile her friend would never see. "I know."

"Fate?" Lindy said, moving into the room. She shook her head in fond exasperation as Fate looked up at her, eyes wide with innocence. Lindy sat on the bed beside her and lightly brushed her unruly blonde hair from her face. "You were sick all this time? Silly girl, I talked to you about this very thing a few days ago, when you got the sniffles. Oh Fate, how many times do I have to tell you that you can talk to me when you are not feeling well?"

Fate bowed her head, shamefaced, and broke her friends' hearts.

"I'm sorry Mom. I'll do better, I promise."

-fin-

Disclaimer: I do not own Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha/Mahou Shojou Lyrical Nanoha.

A/N: This is my personal canon. For those unfamiliar with the term, this is something I personally believe to be true. For any story that I write, this is canon, including my HP/MSLN crossover, Magecraft and Wizardry.

I believe that Fate hides her scars with a glamour, and that the only reason Nanoha beat Fate was because she was pretty much half-dead before the fight. This is really more like actual canon. If you watch episode 10, from the time Fate is struck by a bolt of lightning to the beginning of her fight, about two days pass. Fate has no healing ability. Yeah, pretty sure she was half-dead.

If this story feels incomplete…it's supposed to. It is a moment in time. It's just a personal canon that was begging to be written. Plus it might help readers understand some of my characterizations.

That said, please read and review.

Au revoir,

Hatter


End file.
